The Confidence you have in your “Self”

 

By definition, “Self-Confidence” is the confidence you have in yourself which, in turn, is the result of a complex combination of mental attitude, life experience and/or circumstance, genetic attributes and social and physical environment as they pertain to “Self”.

Some aspects which contribute to Self Confidence, like genetic attributes, manifest themselves as physical attributes which society may deem as undesirable, contributing to a possible loss of Self Confidence. Mental Attitude, which derives from thoughts and beliefs pertaining to oneself, may or may not be accurate, depending upon other aspects of character such as Self Esteem. Finally, social and physical environment are dependent upon the specific setting in which you find yourself at any given point in time.

Most, with the possible exceptions of life experience and physical setting, are susceptible to change if the desire to undertake such change exists in sufficient strength to act.

 

A Definition

 

“The socio-psychological concept of self-confidence relates to self-assuredness in one’s personal judgment, ability, power, etc., sometimes manifested excessively.[1]

Another definition is the belief of believing in you; to believe that one is able to accomplish what one sets out to do, to overcome obstacles and challenges (Peixe, 2009).

- Wikipedia

 

Mental Attitude

Mental Programming

In previous lenses, I briefly discussed The Sub-conscious Mind, as well as the concepts of Auto-suggestion and, more generally, Mental Programming. Mental Attitude is very important, even critical, to your level of Self Confidence at any given time.

It is important to realize that one’s level of Self Confidence will vary from time to time, from setting to setting and/or according to changes in circumstance within any given environment (whether social or physical). For example, I am much more comfortable and confident making a presentation to an audience now than when I was in university (temporal). I am much more confident with my family at home than with my family in an airport (setting). Finally, I am much more confident by myself in an empty ballroom than in a ballroom filled with people (social setting and/or circumstance).

With specific reference to a presentation, the content is identical between my home where I practice my presentation delivery and the event at which it is delivered. The differences are: 1) setting, 2) circumstance and/or social setting (a technical conference, for instance), and 3) physical environment (at the podium in front of the audience). The major difference, however, is the mental stress associated with the event, the presentation. Ideally, you are well versed and familiar with the subject matter, have practiced the presentation to the point you can deliver it by memory and are, in every way, prepared. The success of your presentation delivery then depends upon your mental attitude in dealing with the stress of the presentation.

Some speakers have a Mental Attitude that allows them to appear, and sometimes actually feel, completely relaxed and comfortable in front of an audience. Others feel immobilized by fear and some even get violently sick at the thought of a public presentation.

Part of the solution is practice, beginning with small, friendly audiences and building to larger audiences comprised of strangers. To complement practice, I strongly suggest one of the Mental Programming techniques that are widely available (i.e. The Silva Method).

The moment a presentation is successfully delivered (or a contract successfully completed, or a tournament or competition finished) comes the feeling of relief at having the event behind you. If the event has been completed to the best of your ability, then there is usually an increase in your Self Confidence. If you have won the event (tournament or competition), then you may feel supremely confident (imagine the feeling of the recent Olympic Gold Medalists!).

Successes contribute significantly to an increased feeling of Self Confidence.

 

Life Experience

We are the Sum Total of our Thoughts and Experiences

At any given point in time, if we think of it as a equivalent to a static “photograph”, who we are represents the totality of our thoughts and experiences to that point in time. Every success and every failure, and more specifically, how we dealt with them, has had an effect on our character. The aspects of our character governs our behaviour in any given situation, our response to every event, and has left its imprint on our memories which, over time, develop in to our belief system. Our belief system represents the filter through which we view and interpret every subsequent experience and event.

If one suffers from low Self Confidence, then that filter may be one of fear and self doubt. If one’s Self Confidence is too high, then that filter may become one of arrogance and thoughtlessness toward our fellow man / woman. Again, it must be remembered we are isolating Self Confidence out of a complex array of inter-dependent emotions and character traits.

Recognizing that our Belief System, our “filter system”, may bias our perception of our experience allows us the opportunity to critically evaluate basis for our current level of Self Confidence. A recurring theme in literature and entertainment is that of the “Ugly Duckling” and some versions of the “Rags to Riches” story. In “The Ugly Duckling”, an “ugly” gosling develops into the beautiful swan, which is really a story of concealed, or dormant, beauty blossoming (or manifesting) itself over time. However, an inherent message is that Self Confidence is co-dependent upon beauty.

The Rags to Riches theme conceals the message under an overall transition from poverty to wealth, as portrayed in the various themes on “Cinderella”. Coupled with the transition from poverty to wealth, is a coincident transition from “plain-ness” to regal beauty (as portrayed in “The Princess Diaries”) and a more subtle increase in Self Confidence. One possible message inherent in this theme is that Self Confidence if co-dependent upon wealth (or “riches”).

 

Genetic Attributes

Rewarded / Penalized by Society

Some of our physical (and mental) attributes are dictated by our genes and, as a result, we are unable to do anything about it. Some people require glasses, others don’t. Some people have prominent features, others don’t. Some people have god-like physiques, most don’t.

Society is fickle with regard to what it accepts as desirable attributes … and what are not. If one examines the statues from ancient Greek culture and compares them with the latest and greatest fashion model, one might note some discrepancies with regard to an idealized physique, specifically the female figure. Today’s idealized societal standard for the female figure is extremely difficult to achieve, let alone maintain in a healthy manner. This has led to thousands (millions?) of young women with eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) desperately trying to attain “perfection”, a goal that may be the result of re-touching photographs in order to promote an idealized figure [1], [2], [3], [4].

In the case of males, there has been documented abuse of steroids in both amateur and professional athletes in order to attain greater muscle mass and athletic performance, despite the documented health hazards. Similarly, this trend has some basis in a societal standard for the idealized male physique, without the commitment over time required to achieve it in a healthy manner. Once again, this tendency (desire?) is not exclusively an issue of Self Confidence, but certainly has elements of Self Confidence pertaining to a slight figure (generally associated with a mild and meek personality) in contrast to a muscular physique (generally associated with strength and assertiveness). It is important to distinguish stereotypes as idealized in the media from real ife. Slight and slender people are not necessarily mild and meek, nor are big people necessarily strong and assertive. (Note: I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to meet Bruce Lee in a dark alley if he were mad at me! He certainly had a slight, although muscular, physique).

In many instances, we may not notice on others the very same physical attributes we feel are undesirable and unattractive in ourselves. There are instances of actors and actresses with big noses, poor posture, who wear glasses, too tall, too small, over weight, underweight, … and so on … and so on. They may have Self Esteem issues with regard to these genetic attributes, but it often doesn’t affect their Self Confidence (at least in the public eye, which is where we see and evaluate them).

Some might argue that this is better described as an issue of low Self Esteem, however, I would argue that given the complex inter-dependency between character aspects, low Self Confidence contributes to low Self Esteem (and vice versa).

 

Social Environment

One of the Easiest … and hardest to Change

The social environment in which one associates with others can be one of the most difficult factors contributing to Self Confidence. In writing this, I am thinking specifically of High School and the social dynamics there. Again, this time of life represents such a crucial Rite of passage between childhood and adulthood that it has been the subject of many movies and books. Young men and women are trying so desperately hard to find a place in which to fit, in such a limited range of social environments. The least criticism from one or more peers in a given social group can be devastating, crushing a fragile state of Self Confidence instantaneously. Having the benefit of hindsight, I now fully realize how little value the opinions of my peers and others held for me.

Using my case, specifically, I decided my “friends” in high school were more destructive than beneficial to me and so I dropped the entire set of friends in the year I took off between high school and university. I entered university 1 year behind my “peers” and. as a result, ended up making an entirely new set of friends in that first year of university. They accepted me for who I was and I felt part of a group, for the first time in a long time. I have since lost touch with those friends and life has progressed, however, they unknowingly got me through a difficult time in my life as a young adult. For that, I am very grateful for the value of their friendship at that time.

Other social environments are just as damaging, ranging from work, clubs, formal and informal organizations and so on. Some,such as gangs, can be very difficult to leave, others require only a decision once you have recognized they are damaging. The difficulty is that you are leaving a “comfort zone” for the unknown, another group, club, work environment, etc. The decision is based on weighing whether the damage to your Self Confidence is less than your fear (uncertainty) of the unknown. Some damage can be overcome and/or compensated by an active program of affirmations and mental programming while you wait for the situation to change (for example, at work). In other cases, you must simply make the decision to leave that social environment … then LEAVE! The decision, ultimately, is yours to make.

 

Physical Environment

Potentially More Difficult to Change

Obviously, to the extent possible, if one’s physical environment is contributing to an overall decrease in one’s level of Self Confidence, one should make every reasonable attempt to change, or move to, a physical environment more favourable. However, in some cases, changing, or moving, to a different physical environment is not feasible, practical or safe. For example, a prison inmate on the first day of incarceration may experience a considerable decline in the level of Self Confidence, yet he / she is almost certainly unable to change the physical location and must, therefore, undertake a change in mental attitude. Facing an emergency situation is almost certain to challenge one’s level of Self Confidence. In some cases, leaving the area, thereby removing oneself from the dangerous environment, is the obvious choice to make. However, as in the case of being lost, that would be the worst decision to make, so such a decision must be tempered by rationale thought.

Changing one’s physical environment, if damaging to one’s Self Confidence, ranges from very easy to very difficult. Again if at all possible, remove oneself at the earliest possible moment from such an environment.

The one qualifier I would make to the above is if there is a valuable lesson to be learned (and if the environment is not dangerous). For example, for some people, the prospect of making a public presentation is, quite literally, a source of dread. Some people would rather face physical injury, or worse, than speak in a public setting. For most people, making a public presentation is not dangerous, but rather a source of extreme mental stress. The decision to be made, in this specific example, is whether one might face the fear, make the presentation and be better able to face the prospect of making a public presentation in the future. Could the experience of facing the fear and making the public presentation actually contribute an increase in Self Confidence? Might successfully making the presentation be the lesson to be learned, the valuable experience gained, by remaining in such a physical environment?

 

Temporal

Changes over Time

As several of the aspects contributing to Self Confidence are related to setting (space) and/or change (time), one’s level of Self Confidence is, therefore, also subject to temporal (i.e. changes in time) aspects. One might be very Self Confident in a given setting at one time, yet utterly lacking Self Confidence at another, subject to circumstance, experience, and a host of other possible changes, ranging from minor to dramatic.

As an example, a Grade 1 student is, generally, very uncertain and lacking Self Confidence on the morning of the first day of school. Yet that same student, on the morning of the last day of Grade 1 exudes, generally, a far different level of Self Confidence. At the end of that first year, our student is now dealing with a known set of circumstances, despite the fact that they are generally the same. Over that year, however, our student has come to know the teacher and the other students in class, the school organization and environment. A better example might be to visit our student at 8 a.m. and at 2:55 p.m. on the first day of school, noting any changes in Self Confidence. In the morning, everything about school is an unknown. At the end of the first day, fears have been replaced with knowledge and experience and, in all likelihood, school was not as bad as was initially feared.

We all have similar uncertainties (fears) with regard to the unknowns in our lives, the first day of work or a blind date, for example. In general, our “fears” are worse than the realities. As we address each fear, address each uncertainty, we gain the experience of that situation, as well as the realization, ideally, that there was a difference between our fears and the reality. Successfully facing our fears, addressing our uncertainties, increases our level of Self Confidence with regard to facing the same, or similar, situation in the future. Ideally, it also contributes to our level of Self Confidence is facing completely different unknowns as well.

 

Increasing Self Confidence

As an Active Program

The key point to this article is that one’s level of Self Confidence is subject to change, it should be expected to increase or decrease as one’s circumstances and setting changes throughout the day, from day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year. Recognizing that the level of one’s Self Confidence changes is the first step to undertaking a program of active intervention, actively increasing one’s overall level of Self Confidence.

 

Self-Confidence Formula

From “The Law of Success” by Napoleon Hill

 

“SELF-CONFIDENCE FORMULA

First: I know that I have the ability to achieve the object of my definite purpose, therefore I demand of myself persistent, aggressive and continuous action toward its attainment.

Second: I realize that the dominating thoughts of my mind eventually reproduce themselves in outward, bodily action, and gradually transform themselves into physical reality, therefore I will concentrate My mind for thirty minutes daily upon the task of thinking of the person I intend to be, by creating a mental picture of this person and then transforming that picture into reality through practical service.

Third: I know that through the principle of Auto-suggestion, any desire that I persistently hold in my mind will eventually seek expression through some practical means of realizing it, therefore I shall devote ten minutes daily to demanding of myself the development of the factors named in the sixteen lessons of this Reading Course on the Law of Success.

Fourth: I have clearly mapped out and written down a description of my definite purpose in life, for the coming five years. I have set a price on my services for each of these five years; a price that I intend to earn and receive, through strict application of the principle of efficient, satisfactory service which I will render in advance.

Fifth: I fully realize that no wealth or position can long endure unless built upon truth and justice, therefore I will engage in no transaction which does not benefit all whom it affects. I will succeed by attracting to me the forces I wish to use, and the co-operation of other people. I will induce others to serve me because I will first serve them. I will eliminate hatred, envy, jealousy, selfishness and cynicism by developing love for all humanity, because I know that a negative attitude toward others can never bring me success. I will cause others to believe in me because I will believe in them and in myself.

I will sign my name to this formula, commit it to memory and repeat it aloud once a day with full faith that it will gradually influence my entire life so that I will become a successful and happy worker in my chosen field of endeavor.

Signed ____________________________________________.”

Napoleon Hill – Law of Success – Chapter 3 – Self-Confidence